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Not Coffee Talk According To Moi

July 11, 2009

I haven’t even written this entry yet and I feel compelled to dub it or title it immdediately  as the entry that has nothing to do with anxiety or dreams.I hadn’t realized just how  much I dream . I kinda figured everyone has this eerie half conscious life going on between the sheets. And no not that kinda life.

I mentioned in a comment to A that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. As always waiting for something bad to happen , something that I cannot control to prevent me from having a good thing happen . I’m not so naive about my fucked-up-ness that I don’t see what is going on , whether I really realize it or not. If I’m truthful I’d have to say that deep down somewhere I’m not sure of at this moment in time, there’s a large chunk of me that believes and thinks that I don’t deserve to do any better . That I don’t deserve to better myself . That I deserve to stay in this state of limbo of not being good enough but not being good enough to make myself any better at the same time.  That part makes it difficult to accept all of this. TO let my guard down . Fuck, to even calm down in general . I keep thinking something horrible is going to happen . A phone call . A letter. Anything . I don’t mean to say that is what I am anxious about , my anxiety is a completely different thing and I am starting to think that I am almost using it ( the anxiety i mean ) so to speak ( if that’s at all possible) as a replacement for being constantly busy. I am grateful I didn’t title the entry pre writing 😛

I went to the govt office this afternoon with a friend ( same friend I have been going on anti-anxiety as I have been calling them in my head, walks) and signed the contracts. I went to the school directly afterwards and gave them my paper work and paid my registration fees. Classes start on monday and because the lady at reception was either new or useless she was not able to give me my books or schedule or anything. In fact I had to leave my number with her so someone could call me and confirm my class time.

I told her that I wanted the 8-1pm class schedule. She called me this evening and told me all shehad was the 6-10pm . I almost screamed at her. I m pissed and was dramatically angry for a couple of hours. I finally get into school and I am complaining about my class time like I have other things going on in my life. Brat. Probably far less grateful than i should be too.

Anyhow it’s not the end all and it’s not completely horrible either. It’s for 3 weeks. Then I get a week off and then for 12 weeks I am on a 1-5 schedule then for the rest of my course I am 8-1 . I do not like how they make it seem like you have a choice when it appears it was predetermined despite the fact I registered on the last day of registration  ( not my fault)

Oddly enough I feel like this entry is pretty heavy. Yup this kinda stuff is heavy to me but talking about eating disorders and depression and such oh thats coffee talk 😛

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Amanda permalink
    July 12, 2009 1:20 pm

    Oh my gosh class timing used to set me off too. It’s just such an odd paradox – I (we) think we’re not worth much, yet when I (we) don’t get our way we FUME. Which must mean that SOMEWHERE in there I (we) think we’re worth getting worked up over? Or something???

  2. nicole permalink
    July 16, 2009 4:06 am

    Perhaps because the “real” stuff is personal, but the ED, depression and such are more clinical and therefore not really “us” so much as something we have, like a freckle. well, prolly more like a cancerous mole but WHATEVERRRR .heh. I dunno. I get all stressed over stuff like that. I wasted hours and hours online setting up my classes so they fell juuuuust right, and then i show up to register and realize i have a conflict because of some stupid lab, so i had to drop and class. but that opened up a new opportunity because i found out i could take one online and avoid driving up there the extra two days a week 🙂 Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be a good thing. Maybe you avoided getting horrible teachers or put in the frigid room, because of the time. something like that. anyways im rambling, have fun at school. have fun buying new pencils and paper and such =)

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