Too Much Too Difficult

After my last post I felt bad. Guilty almost. Like I should feel badly for not knowing how to help myself, anxiety wise. it does make sense in a way . Obviously if staying in my apartment all day and busying myself with ocd and apartment-y tasks is not working to lower or elminate the anxiety I am experiencing , then obviously I should think to myself, perhaps I should do something different . Change can be scary .

To be honest none of that went through my head . That night I figured I have to make a plan .Because if I sit in this house tomorrow it’s just going to get worse. I am just going to get worse. I have a hard time saying its me rather than some monster or foreign anonymity that is taking over my body that i have little to no control over.

I went to the post office downtown that day . A friend had to go to the clinic so I said I ‘d go with her and go to the post office. We could browse around the shops afterwards. The post office saga is ongoing . It’s driving me nuts at this point and I don’t even especially like mail. Basiclly the mail boxes on my buiding .There are nine of them . It is essentially one giant box with 9 little doors for each appointment . Each door opens with a key and the whole thing can open with a key for the mail man . The thing is metal and probably a gillion years old and mine has not closed since I moved in . I have never had it locked in three years and all of the sudden I get a new mail man who refuses to deliever my mail because it is not secure. I did notify the landlord who  1/ the first time i called the wife said she would get it fixed 2 / 2 weeks later the husband siad he would come to look at it and it was the first he had heard of it . its been 3 weeks on monday. I am almost ready to refuse to pay my rent. Ugh. Landlords. I need to move. I want to move desperately.

D’s nana had a heart attack yesterday. I don’t mean to be well, mean , but it is always something with her. At this point it is an attention thing for her as she relishes in being sick and having everyone fuss over her whether its warranted or not . The hospital had her on oxygen but don’t believe she had a heart attack though something did happen, just as they didn’t believe she had that stroke last year ( would be her 2nd she did actually have one ) . D’s parent’s ( these are his fathers parents ) went and saw her a couple hours after she had been admitted and then Iguess they saw she was alive and promptly left for their planned weekend at the cottage. D was going up saturday morning and coming home sunday evening, so I said I would stay here. No one told me to or said anything but I feel bad leaving him here all alone. I don’t know exactly what I can do to help Papa but at least I am here.

I am reluctant to post about food stuff for the past day or two or three because it is nothing special. Summer triggers me . some people feel the pressure in the colder months because they know they have to get in smaller clothes in the warmer months. For me , it’s just the heat in general. it makes me feel sluggish. Large. Too big for my bones . My skin is too tight . Too clammy. Too white. Too tan. Too. Too. Too. It makes me feel guilty for drinking hot coffee in the morning . My stomach hurts because I tend to drink liter bottles of water at a time in the summer to get rid of the icky stomach feeling . I  told a friend the other day of the wonders of single slieces of swiss cheese. It really does help the nasty stomach feeling . She said she wasn’t aware that cheese had medicinal properties. Umm pencillian why didn’t I think of that then ?

What do you do when nothing seems to work ? What do you eat when everything seems like too much or too difficult?

-soup