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Too Much Too Difficult

June 27, 2009

After my last post I felt bad. Guilty almost. Like I should feel badly for not knowing how to help myself, anxiety wise. it does make sense in a way . Obviously if staying in my apartment all day and busying myself with ocd and apartment-y tasks is not working to lower or elminate the anxiety I am experiencing , then obviously I should think to myself, perhaps I should do something different . Change can be scary .

To be honest none of that went through my head . That night I figured I have to make a plan .Because if I sit in this house tomorrow it’s just going to get worse. I am just going to get worse. I have a hard time saying its me rather than some monster or foreign anonymity that is taking over my body that i have little to no control over.

I went to the post office downtown that day . A friend had to go to the clinic so I said I ‘d go with her and go to the post office. We could browse around the shops afterwards. The post office saga is ongoing . It’s driving me nuts at this point and I don’t even especially like mail. Basiclly the mail boxes on my buiding .There are nine of them . It is essentially one giant box with 9 little doors for each appointment . Each door opens with a key and the whole thing can open with a key for the mail man . The thing is metal and probably a gillion years old and mine has not closed since I moved in . I have never had it locked in three years and all of the sudden I get a new mail man who refuses to deliever my mail because it is not secure. I did notify the landlord who  1/ the first time i called the wife said she would get it fixed 2 / 2 weeks later the husband siad he would come to look at it and it was the first he had heard of it . its been 3 weeks on monday. I am almost ready to refuse to pay my rent. Ugh. Landlords. I need to move. I want to move desperately.

D’s nana had a heart attack yesterday. I don’t mean to be well, mean , but it is always something with her. At this point it is an attention thing for her as she relishes in being sick and having everyone fuss over her whether its warranted or not . The hospital had her on oxygen but don’t believe she had a heart attack though something did happen, just as they didn’t believe she had that stroke last year ( would be her 2nd she did actually have one ) . D’s parent’s ( these are his fathers parents ) went and saw her a couple hours after she had been admitted and then Iguess they saw she was alive and promptly left for their planned weekend at the cottage. D was going up saturday morning and coming home sunday evening, so I said I would stay here. No one told me to or said anything but I feel bad leaving him here all alone. I don’t know exactly what I can do to help Papa but at least I am here.

I am reluctant to post about food stuff for the past day or two or three because it is nothing special. Summer triggers me . some people feel the pressure in the colder months because they know they have to get in smaller clothes in the warmer months. For me , it’s just the heat in general. it makes me feel sluggish. Large. Too big for my bones . My skin is too tight . Too clammy. Too white. Too tan. Too. Too. Too. It makes me feel guilty for drinking hot coffee in the morning . My stomach hurts because I tend to drink liter bottles of water at a time in the summer to get rid of the icky stomach feeling . I  told a friend the other day of the wonders of single slieces of swiss cheese. It really does help the nasty stomach feeling . She said she wasn’t aware that cheese had medicinal properties. Umm pencillian why didn’t I think of that then ?

What do you do when nothing seems to work ? What do you eat when everything seems like too much or too difficult?

-soup

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Amanda permalink
    June 27, 2009 1:58 pm

    When nothing seems to work I watch the TV show ‘freaks and geeks’ – it consumes me, for whatever reason.

    When that feeling involves food I tend to have a lot of barely defrosted frozen blueberries and strawberries.

    But when everything feels too difficult I tend to just sink. And it seems magical or at least totally out of my control as to what lets me float again. I’m sorry you’re feeling on the edge of something nasty.

  2. soupoflife permalink*
    June 27, 2009 2:10 pm

    I have heard of that show . A lot of my ‘friends’ are fans of it actually. i have never watched it myself but perhaps I will youtube some today as I am sure eating will be a chore today ( d is gone until tomorrow )

    Mmm frozen fruit. I haven’t had any in forever. I used to give it to my niece all the time though. She’d be shaking she was so cold but she always wanted more . LOL.

    Thanks hun 😉

    • Amanda permalink
      June 28, 2009 12:29 am

      It is a truly fabulous show – the kind that makes you laugh and cry and see some part of you in each and every character.

  3. my3tots permalink
    June 28, 2009 4:58 pm

    Actually, I’m glad you share this. I was beginning to feel very alone in my warm-weather food issues, and now I feel less alone 🙂 Even the thought of going to my first therapy session tomorrow isn’t much consolation, because the woman already told me she knew nothing about eating disorders but could probably help with the anxiety (and that I would be her education on the food/weight issues) :/ So I’m kinda reluctant to bring it up again with her, and be the lab rat who gets her brain pried open and inspected.

    I’ve been in a bit of downward spiral, and my stomach does this thing where it just no longer feels hungry except first thing in the morning, when I am least likely to want to eat because I have the rest of the day ahead of me. So, I am kinda breaking my low-cal rules and having things I can easily eat with my hands (my former therapist would have a fit over that and tell me to have foods that require a fork or spoon) like mini muffins, berries with a bit of whipped creme, Special K bars (esp the Protein ones), bananas, cold little shrimps with cocktail sauce, mini bagels with low fat strawberry cream cheese and now branching out into tortilla wraps with chicken or steak strips and cheese and lettuce in them. I tend to not purge with this sort of thing. Oh and the McDonalds iced lattes, for the dairy and caffeine (as opposed to just plain coffee with its usual splenda and ff vanilla soymilk). I actually do well when we eat out, perhaps because it’s not polite to eat with ones fingers and the food isn’t cheap? I probably need to gain back the weight I’ve lost since March, but at this point I’m settling for just not losing any more. Need my brain to function for school, as Rob puts it. Also, I suck when eating alone, so I tend to eat when Rob does. Unfortunately he was a bit overweight when we met and has lost 40 lbs in the past year and only eats once a day and a snack late at night, so kinda hard to depend on his mealtimes for my own.

    Does your lease mention mailboxes being maintained by the landlord? Because if so, you could take him to small claims court and sue for the hassle of having to go to the PO to pick up mail, and for the expense of having a handyman fix the box. The wording in a contract is always held against the writer of a contract, so if you can find any mention of the mailboxes in there, it can be used to hold him responsible for fixing it in a timely manner. I’d start with a formal letter to him of your intentions to file small claims suit and have it repaired yourself if it isn’t fixed by (insert date). If he doesnt have the know-how or time to fix it, then he’s responsible for having someone come out and do it, and I’d tell him so. Also, the squeaky wheel gets the grease-call every single day and I promise, they will get sick of your calls lol

  4. my3tots permalink
    June 30, 2009 5:55 am

    well went to therapy today. she had some good tips for those of us with OCD. the one im going to try out is making a calendar, not just for the week like i do anyways, but for the day, and separate one for evenings. the idea is to set time limits for reading, writing, cleaning, etc so I dont go too overboard in one area or lose a full nights sleep obsessing and fixing whatever task i’m on making it “right”. essay writing is eating up entire post-dinner-into-early morn hours, so i have to watch clock and STOP after set time. we’ll see how it goes.

  5. my3tots permalink
    June 30, 2009 6:00 am

    frick just realized my privacy settings were so high i had to manually add you to my blog viewers list or some crap like that. anyway, it’s done.

  6. soupoflife permalink*
    July 1, 2009 10:06 pm

    – I can’t click on your name for some reason. Do you mean you got a blog on wordpress?

    Ooh like an agenda i guess? Oh god what kind of essays are you writing and how long are they meant to be ?
    Having a rough couple of days. I know predictable. Good is just the waiting period until it gets bad again I’m learning. Have most of an entry ready for tomorrow 😉

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