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Falling Down, Looking Up

June 22, 2009

Around last fall (I would say ) my anxiety and panic attacks got really bad. Of course to compensate for being so entirely anxious all of the time with little to no relief ( wasn’t on medication ) my OCD went into overdrive. For a couple of months I tried to deal with it , with the OCD in the day time and bringing myself down with vodka at night. Not down in the depressed sense but down in the hyper sense I guess .Finally I caved and went to the dr . Tried meds that didn’t help much and made me sick . Tried another that helped but made me sick. Then I got better and I stopped the medication.

After months and weeks and days without feeling like there are a pair of feet pounding on my chest rather than my heart ,without feeling like i want to cry or run , that if only I can get these tiles clean that everything will be alright or that if just do this , it will be ok . This afternoon was horrible and I spent the majority of it pacing the apartment and rearranging the hangers of clothing in my closet and obsessively checking the mail ( did not come ! going to post office tomorrow ) What I really wanted to do was unplug the phone and hide under the blankets and watch tv. The phone was actually pretty good to me today which is something I never say . I talked a few times for a long time with a friend who understands about stuff like this because she goes through it too. It was nice but I feel like I was a pretty clingy friend today and the day is not over yet. But I guess, whatever gets you through the day or night right ?

I don’t want to sit and let this fester though . I mean I don’t want one day of feeling horrible to blow up into 3 or 4 days of couching it with tears while my voicemail and emails overflow and I pretend I don’t exist beyond these walls. So tomorrow said friend that I spoke with on the wall, we ‘ll call her C because it’s so creative . Anyways she asked me to go downtown with her to the dr’s and I said sure because it means I’ll be thinking about other things like walking around in the nice weather ( and perhaps evening out the stupid racerback tank top tan I was fortuante enough to get on our last walk) and seeing whats in the shops downtown . I remembered the post office was downtown so I’ll tackle that too. Whatever as much as I don’t like to tell myself this, sitting at home wallowing in my emotional crap is not going to make me feel any better and it’s not going to make anything better it’s just going to make stuff worse. And no I am not really ready to discuss the source or trigger of all this anxiety and crap today . I’m kind of embarrassed really . It’s about school , and well maybe I’ll just give you the short version that’s less painful . Pretty much I am so conflicted about going back . Before I was conflicted about waht to take but now that , that decision has been taken out of the equation I feel such guilt about not working until pretty much this time next year and then my head starts turning and I’m back at square one thinking well if I get a job it will be a crappy job because I need to go to school to get a good job . Full circle . Yet even that doesn’t convince me .Combine that with calculating budgets and finanicial crap pretty much equals my current state.

Off to clean something , grill some chicken breasts in the PC marinade I mentioned in an earlier post and make a big salad . Not sure what I ‘ll put in the salad yet but I do know it will involve cucumber because I am craving it.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. my3tots permalink
    June 24, 2009 4:08 pm

    I am entering into therapy once again due to anxiety disorder (other than being delusional or schitzo or something, the mental health budgets for treatment thru the local mental health depts have been cut, but they are allowing me treatment for the anxiety-how odd). While they are putting me on a mood stabilizer AGAIN argh the talk therapy is supposed to help with anxiety. I was on a two month regimen of Xanax (generic alprazolam, not sure what its called in canada) which helped a bit but I could feel dependency kicking in if i missed even one day because the anxiety would come back two-fold, so off to talk therapy I go next week. I dont know if that is offered there, or if they just toss out pills (as MDs are prone to do), but might be worth looking into if you can get it for free through the state or college counselor. I usually get worse in therapy, bringing up tough issues, but then it gets better just from having someone to listen and remind me i’m not nuts. I can relate to financial stress exacerbating the anxiety. It sounds like you are really motivated to do what you need to to overcome it, which is good. I find that even on days when I really can’t bear the stress of driving and leaving the house that facing the fear and getting around town, people actually helps, even if my hands are shaking the whole time. Maybe it’s empowerment or something. I hope it gets better for you soon đŸ™‚

    My daughter is on a huge cucumber kick, since she discovered they aren’t gross, after all last week. She has even taken to wearing slices on her eyes for beauty reasons đŸ˜›

    • soupoflife permalink*
      June 27, 2009 2:03 pm

      yey for cucumbers. and yey for and therapy. Braver than i .
      I defintely can’t get any thing through the state silly ! The school Im going to is very small and private so there is none of that. THeres not even a caf.

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